Obsession

And I'm not talking the perfume.  I'm talking the 'mindset.'  You know, like above.  It seems to me that first I was obsessed with eating, now, seventy pounds lighter I still am, but just different types of food.  Sure, now it's healthy food, instead of just what seems tastiest and available at the moment.  Still, I feel every bit as obsessed with food now, as I was when I was really fat.  In some ways, even more.  Because now the obsession about calories/carbs is where it wasn't before; totally in the picture now, too.  I AM healthier, but sometimes I wonder if I'm really any mentally healthier, you know?  I have read enough about you guys to know you feel this now and again, too.  So what's the deal?

Well, part of the deal is that the world we now live in REWARDS obsessive behavior, to a degree.  Check email.  Check voicemail.  Turn on a computer to check for instant voting results.  Instantaneous news.  In our careers, we spend a LOT of time doing just one or two things; we are all so specialized now.  And we are rewarded for it!  Being a workaholic is still a 'holic' and indicates obsession.  TV can create instant panic.  If we miss a day's worth of blogs, we feel out of touch.  We can hit the refresh button over and over until the Oscar nominations are posted, scores are updated, etc. etc. etc.  The world's computers now totally feed our obsessive personalities.  Even if we didn't want to be obsessive or didn't have those tendencies, we live in a world now that feeds it.

But, as above, it's not necessarily bad.  Being organized, up-to-date and methodical are good things.  Being a slacker is a bad thing.  The line between pathological and acceptable forms of the same behavior is a very hazy thing, especially when it comes to obsession.

So what do we do with our obsessive tendencies?  If we've been a food addict, in whatever form, and manage to gain control and lose all of the extra weight, but still obsess about the number on the scale or the calories or 'point' count for the day....we are still obsessed.  We are just exhibiting it in different manners.  But if the current manner supports a healthy weight, even if it might not be 100% mentally healthy, is it ok?  Where do we draw THAT line?

I don't know.  I'm just asking.  And trying to work myself into this new world that is hazy between needing/wanting to lose that last 10-15 pounds, and so-called maintenance for life.  Numbers still matter, still count.  I think, frankly, they will always matter and count.  I'm not a naturally thin person by nature.  I'll always need to be on top of the numbers.  It's a control issue for sure, as well.  I guess I'm asking, is it "okay" to be obsessed with my calories?  At what point does taking care of my health/weight spill over into caring too much?  Being "too" obsessed with the numbers, the food, or the results?  I honestly don't know.  I don't have the answers.